Oh, Anger, you monstrous little green-haired stepchild that flounces into a room and with a small burst can topple friendships, break relationships, and tear families. No one wants you around, but you always have a room in the house, somewhere under the stairs. Unfortunately, you also have the weird knack of bringing to light what is wrong or unsettled in the house, and you do so in no uncertain terms and with swift, maniacal speed.
So what was this unkempt child trying to tell me? What was so unsettled? After that outburst, I began to contemplate hard, because I had noticed over the past few months, I had become increasingly prickly, sarcastic, and outright bitchy. Which isn't really me, or at least not what I believe is truly me. And after a bit, I had a lightbulb moment.
Life is messy, unpredictable, and rarely goes the way you expect it. However, I had become frustrated by the fact that I was changing in unexpected ways, my choices were were becoming less obvious, and there seemed to be a barrage of varying opinions on what my choices were and how to make them. But those were already issues that were being dealt with proactively. Then it hit me. I learned I hated CHANGE. I am an actor who hates change. What?? Furthermore, I hadn't learned how to deal with change that was not akin to a tantrum thrown by a five year-old.
When that dawned, a clarity struck me. Audrey Hepburn once said, "You can say my definiteness stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I couldn't conquer these feelings by acting indecisive. I found the only way to get the better of them was was by adopting a forceful, concentrated drive." I had been waffling from my own insecurity and inferiority, and lashing out in frustration as I'd always done. It was time to make some choices and relearn lessons. Time to continue pursuing my art, and working hard. To push myself with each project and start with an open mind. To remember that all the opinions and thoughts are given in the spirit of love and care, and to be grateful for, and love those who ventured to help out of the goodness in them. To laugh at myself A LOT more. to leave the bitchiness and doucheyness behind. To seek beauty again in everyone around me. And to remember that change, external and internal, is inevitable, and that I needed to rethink my reaction to change in my life. We and our environment constantly change, and we can approach it with either grace and good humor, or kicking and screaming. With La Hepburn as the epitome, I'd like to try for the former.
